Sunday, April 29, 2007

Thwaddi Ghori!

I was going to write a bit on religion in Pakistan, because its been on my mind of late, particularly given the Jamia Hafsa issue and the projected population statistics that Ahsan had quoted earlier. However, despite having obsessed over the issue it for at least a week, I have been unable to draw any conclusions. Ahsan has asked me earlier whether Pakistan could ever become like Malaysia in terms of being a progressive and tolerant Muslim country, and while my answer is ‘probably not’, I’m still not completely sure as to why.

Instead I figured I’d write something completely different, something which I’ve often discussed with a number of readers on this blog, but never actually taken the time to write about.

Google Trends is yet another great website from the boys over at Google Inc. It basically tells you which countries are searching for what, and how much, and so on so forth. Its great for it allows us to determine trends and patterns, and figure out what exactly societal attention is focused upon at any given point.

How it Works

You enter in a search term, say for example ‘Mobile Phones’.

Google Trends (herein referred to as GT) presents a graph indicating the search volume on the vertical Y axis, and time on the horizontal X axis.

GT also identifies those 10 countries from which Google received the highest search volume for the term ‘Mobile Phones’. Then, for those top 10 listed countries GT calculates the number of searches for ‘Mobile Phones’ coming from each country, divided by total Google searches coming from the same country. Countries are then ranked by the resulting figure, which is basically a ratio of how much that term is searched for relative to the total search volume of that country. See Below for a Sample (all this may be tedious but bear with me its worth it)

So from the graph you could conclude:

a) That Bangladeshis are amongst the top 10 aggregate searchers for the term mobile phone on the internet

b) Within those top ten countries, Bangladeshis have the highest ratio of Google searches for mobile phones as compared to the sum of all the other terms that Bangladeshis search for.

Now that we’ve understood how GT works, we turn to the crucial matter of what the hell the point of this article is.

The Point

Some of you may already know this (due to a prior discussion on
Metroblogging Karachi), but Pakistan is the number one country in the rankings for the term ‘sex’ on Google trends.So were not only one of the top ten countries aggregate worldwide, we have the highest ratio of searches as well. Which is fine. West Pakistan used to comprise about 30 million people pre partition, and were now up to 160 Million, and headed towards 357 million in 2050, so its pretty clear to anyone who’s not mad that the men of this country are both blessed and cursed with hefty mojos.

More relevantly, I’m fairly certain the average Pakistani’s doesn’t really possess the vocabulary to search using more specific and targeted sexual terms, and hence is forced to rely upon the more generic term ‘sex’ in order to obtain pornographic material from the internet. This could account in part for the surprisingly high ranking.

Within Pakistan, possessing a healthy libido is obviously socially legitimate and is often feted. And while using the internet to search for pornographic material isn’t exactly the kind of thing for which ones mother might banto mithai, it is usually grudgingly recognized as a necessary unpleasantness, consequently denied and never discussed.

What should however be discussed is the fact that Pakistan ranks number one for a number of other more sinister search terms. Pakistan is in fact, number one, for ‘Cow Sex’. Why? I don’t know. See for yourself below, or click

Now if you thought that was bad, it’s really really not. What is truly very bad is that Pakistan is number one for nearly every animal sex search on Google.

Dog S**, Bull S**, Cow S**, Monkey S**, Donkey S**, Cat S** and Goat S**, we rank Number One on Planet Earth for ALL of the above searches (if your wondering why I’ve censored the word ‘Sex’, its because I don’t want these jackass’s googling their way to fiverupees with vain hopes of finding kitty porn). Thankfully, Pakistan was not on the top ten list with respect to ‘sheep sex’. The unsurprising winner of that
contest was New Zealand, followed by the equally unsurprising Ireland, Australia and UK (read Scotland).

Given that some individuals truly and perversely love animals, the question then arises as to which animals those individuals would most like to get busy with. GT provides us with the means, and fiverupees with the answer.

By inserting a ‘comma’ between terms, [e.g: Clinton, Edwards], we get two graphs, comparing the relative search volumes of two terms. Moreover, the graphs allow us to spot correlations, as seen below.

Note how the two graphs follow each other, indicating:

a) that the same people who search for Clinton, are also searching for Edwards at the same time


b) that there is some factor (such as a democratic debates) which is causing everyone to search for them at any given point (thus causing matching spikes or drops in both graphs), but the searchers are not necessarily the same people.

We may now apply this to our analysis. The following is a chart containing a number of graphs indicating the relative search volumes (hence popularity) of various animals (i.e. the ones for which Pakistan is ranked number 1). Note how the graphs are correlated, indicating that people who like horses, probably also like dogs, and so on.

The winner? Horses. Although they ran a close race with the dogs. All of this is strange enough. But what is truly bizarre is the following:

Yes, you read it correctly. Pakistan is Number 2 in the world for searches for Kate Winslet, 2nd only to India. I’m guessing its because she came naked in Titanic, and because shes pretty buxom, and because the entire Planet including Pakistan & India saw the damn movie without having the good sense to hate it. My hypothesis of desis being interested in Kate Winslet purely on a shallow, ‘I saw her naked in a cinema with my friends and would very much like to see her naked again but this time without any friends’ basis is confirmed by the fact that Pakistan is ‘coincidentally’ Numero Uno for searches on Monica Lewinsky, who possesses no acting skills whatsoever, and is know pretty much exclusively for giving the President some 3rd Base and for having accommodated his cigar.

Mutually Assured Embarrassment

That said, its not all bad news for Pakistanis. India is number one for searches on Erectile Dysfunction, so they can pretty much stop sniggering to themselves right about now. At least we’re able to get busy with horses and dogs, if and when we so desire. As an additional unnecessary jibe, let me also state that it is possible that the only reason the Indians are second on the bestiality lists and not first is because we seem to have the edge in terms of erectile functionality, albeit an edge which we spend upon creatures outside the human race.

And while the Iranians are not really into bestiality, being the Global number one in searches for ‘Fat tit’ strikes me as equally (if not more ) bizarre than dogs and cats. Its not even ‘Fat tits’. Its ‘Fat Tit’, i.e. just the one that the Iranians seem to want (If Tit is some fat comedian or something, I apologize to Iranians, but if it not well then take some solace in the fact that GT owns all our dirty laundry and is aware of all of our stout tit type national fetishes)

I will leave you with one final graph. An answer to the question that I’m sure some of you have already considered, having read this far; do the googling masses prefer Kate Winslet or Horses for their sexual gratification? See for yourself.


Kim said...

I agree with this.

ayla said...

NB you're back! :O) I missed you!

I will now read your post...

ayla said...

NB it's you! I missed you!

I will now read your entry...

Ahsan said...

i think i may have read this somewhere earlier so i'm making no claims to originality, but i'd like someone to point out the common thread running through the top-10 "sex" searchers:
1. pakistan 2. egypt 3. india 4. morocco 5. iran 6. turkey 7. vietnam 8. saudi arabia 9. indonesia 10. serbia and montenegro
what exactly is it about muslim societies that engenders this, uh, horniness? wait, dont answer that.

Ismat said...

yo. the second link you've posted entitled 'Google Trends' is incorrect. change it to

Adeel said...

I think it might be ease of access... mags and videos with such content arent as easily accessible in these countries as finding a secluded cubicle at a net cafe or your home.

Good to see you back NB and thanks for putting this in writing, now i can direct people to this summary instead of playing out the whole darn thing.

NB said...

Ayla: Hey Ayls!! Yup am back on fiverupees (but am still in Pakistan). Feels good to resume internet connectivity. Have also been following APS (your blog) for the last couple of weeks.

Ahsan: yeah dude i noticed the predominantly muslim countries in the top 10s also. Whats really quite sad is that muslim countries feature heavily in the top 10 list for Children S** also, but i didnt really want to discuss the religion thing during the post so i chose not to mention it.

Ismat: thanks dawg for the heads up! Let all Party like it is 1999.

Adeel: Hey bro, good to be back, and also good to see you still read us!

I think the point you raised about the absence of mags and material raising the search volumes is a valid one. However it doesnt explain our proclivity for bestiality, nor the muslim countrys presence in GT's top ten list for Children S**.

Id therefore take your point a step further and say that sexual repression in our countries is breeding sexual deviancy. Which is fine i spose in terms of bestiality, as i hardly care for the sexual rights of animals. However it seems to be having an impact upon the level of pedophelia present in our society. In that regard its a serious and urgent issue, and its about time such unhelful and unconstructive taboos were broken and the issue socially addressed for the benefit of kids who suffer in silence.

Kim: Im not quite sure what exactly you agree with, but im glad, and thanks for being our 15th (?? Ahsan knows the precise number) reader.

Anonymous said...

Excerpt from Ayatollah Khomeini: Boy Next Door?

"In his classic chapbook Tahrir al-Wasilah [Tahrirolvasyleh]," according to Details magazine's Jerry Stahl, "[former Iranian head of state] Ayatollah Khomeini dropped some love science on horny young wanna-tollahs. 'A man can have sex with animals such as sheep, cows, camels and so on. However he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village, however selling the meat to the next door village should be fine.'"

["If one commits the act of sodomy with a cow, a ewe, or a camel," Khomeini added, "their urine and their excrement become impure, and even their milk may no longer be consumed. The animal must then be killed and as quickly as possible and burned."]

Khomeini, Ayatollah Ruholla (1900-1989) Iranian Shiite leader and head of state (1979–1989) [noted for his arrest (1963) and exile (1964) for his opposition to Shah Muhammad Reza Pahlavi's regime, for his return to Iran after the shah's downfall (1979), and for his establishment of a new constitution (giving himself supreme powers) and a reign marked by a return to strict observance of the Islamic code]

[Sources: Jerry Stahl, GQ, April 2004, p. 232; "Sayings of Ayatollah Khomeini, Political, Phylosophica, Social and Religious with a special introduction by Clive Irving" (The little green book), p. 47]

NB said...

That is simply incredible.

Anonymous said...

Excerpt from Islam and children

Shia View
The Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini defined the following limits and consequences for adult sexual activity with children:

"A man can marry a girl younger than nine years of age, even if the girl is still a baby being breastfed. A man, however is prohibited from having intercourse with a girl younger than nine, while other sexual acts such as foreplay, rubbing, and kissing are allowed. A man having intercourse with a girl younger than nine years of age has not committed a crime, but only an infraction, if the girl is not permanently damaged. If the girl, however, is permanently damaged, the man must provide for her all her life. But this girl will not count as one of the man's four permanent wives. He also is not permitted to marry the girl's sister."[31][32][33]

Khomeini specifically described an act known as thighing that allowed an adult male to simulate sex with a female child without penetration:

"Thighing is a means for an adult male to enjoy a young girl who is still in the age of weaning; meaning to place his penis between her thighs, and to kiss her."[34]

[31]^ Ayatollah Khomeini in Tahrirolvasyleh, Fourth Edition, Darol Elm, Qom
[33]^ Original(in Arabic)
[34]^ Khomeini. Sayings of the Ayatollah Khomeini: Political, Philosophical, Social, & Religious Bantam Books:1985. ISBN-10: 0553140329

shariq said...

Genius! Brilliant post.

If you really want to increase traffic to the site, you shouldn't blank out the words though.

Given the amount of people searching for this stuff, you'll soon be one of the most popular blogs ont he net!

ghonada said...

An entertaining article. But to really
differentiate between different countries you should normalise by the population of each country. But in the case of, for
example India or Pakistan, the amount
of population who have access to the
internet may be much less than the actual
population and you should make some
intelligent guess. Once normalised this way the true picture will emerge and we
shall know which countries really favour the animal kingdom.

karachi khatmal said...

sorry to return to this forum, but there is another factor also at play. searches for goat, sheep and cow sex - which are still led by pakistan - showed a massive spike in the last months of 2008. which is when bakra eid happened...


anoop said...

India features predominantly in few perverted search trends but lags behind pakistan. i should remind everyone that india has the 2nd largest muslim population in the world.. That explains it.. :) lol

Anonymous said...

@ anoop

And the largest hindu population (lol).

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