Monday, February 04, 2008

Driving Madness: How would you resond?

I was on my way home from the Sunday Bazar. As I walked to my car I glanced at the crazy traffic around me and felt supremely smug as I’d had the brains to park my car 300 metres away from the Bazar rather than at the mouth of the entrance. The five minute stroll saved me at least a half hour of bad traffic.

Still reveling in my parking triumph I headed homewards. It was a gorgeous winter’s day, fresh and crisp, I rolled down the windows, increased the volume of the radio and started singing to a Foo Fighters track. Needless to say, I was really enjoying my drive, something only possible in Karachi on a desolate road. Alas, even this was not meant to last.

I’m traveling on Khy-e-Shujaat, headed towards Khy-e-Ittehad, when I see a car coming towards me traveling on the wrong side of the track. The car is fair distance away so I naturally expected him to cross over to the correct road. This really shouldn’t have been a problem as the island is level ground and the on coming track is completely empty. The car, a late 90’s model Corolla, does not cross over and heads straight for me. I became stubborn and refused to give him way but also a little anxious so I slowed down and ultimately had to stop my car. The car slows down, and finally gets on the correct side of the road. The man driving the car rolls down his window and shouts “CHOOTIAY,” his wife, three kids and maid look on.

I shake my head and drive home. I would love to say that I didn't say a word because I was the bigger man, but that's crap. I was so taken aback by this evildoer's audacity that I was left utterly speechless. For the rest of my, now frustrating journey, I reenacted the scene over and over, in a bid at coming up with witty retorts. Sadly, the best I could do was “your fat mother is a whore.”

Since such instances of retarded-ness are the norm on the roads of Karachi I would like to store some ‘come-backs’ for the future. So, dear reader I ask you to contribute whole heartedly to this exercise and tell us how you would respond.


asfand said...

Once I was standing with a friend outside his place, and this car was coming (as happened with you), on the wrong side of the road. It was 4 lane road, with the divider in between and this car was on the wrong side.

I pointed to the car, and my friend said "what a retard!" As the car inevitably passed us, I realized it was my car and that my mom was driving.

She couldn't be bothered travelling a little farther and making the requisite u-turn.

She's an ex-DMG officer too, so I suppose that's to be expected. :o

Still love her though :P

Ahsan said...

hahaha great story asfand. AKS, the keys are cadence and delivery. it really doesnt matter what you say as long as (a) you say it quickly and rhythmically, and (b) it's somewhat coherent. something about the dude's mother or sister will suffice.

Anonymous said...

"teri ma ki" ... always works with a "bahar to nikal salay" and a head gesture that suggests that you want them to get out of the car.

Ahsan said...


if you'd ever met AKS and his wiry frame, you would understand why any threatening gestures would be more likely greeted with a laugh than any trepidation.

Omar said...

I say words are insufficient. You should block the road, get out and take a big steaming shit right on the bonnet.

naqiya said...

or you could do what my mom does. dont say anything, and give him a hauty look that makes him feel like a little peice of shit that he is. it works every time. once, in a somewhat similar situation (guy tried to overtake my mom, almost banged into her, then said "lad-iss ko licence nahi dena chahiay" but when he saw my moms face he looked quite ashamed and said "sorry ji."

someday i wish i could do that (poise and grace are not really my thing) but i can totally see you doing is saksaq!!

Asad said...

can we ban oba? .. from the entire internet? is that possible?

Anonymous said...

I prefer a clenched fist held out parallel to your body with a sharp jab upwards (kind of like an abbreviated upper cut).. Not only does this deliver a big UP YOURS to the offender it is a simple action that is easy to remember and produce on demand. This action can be supplemented by saying whatever you want from behind your closed window making sure that the offender notices your lip movements and imagines the worst. Nothing gets them like not knowing what was just said

AKS said...

Thank you guys, I think Omar comes closest in gauging the indredulity of this situation.

My normal reaction would've been a middle finger and a few words about his mother. I guess what took me by surprise was the fact that his entire family was looking on. This was a decent looking uncle shouting chootiay at me for not giving him way even though he had 300 metres to cross over to the correct, absolutely empty, track.

Anyway thank you for your participation. Next time you notice faeses on a car bonnnet, blame Omar!

P.S. Omar, ADP's album is cool.