Wednesday, March 05, 2008

If We're Going To Be Accused Of Making Fun Of Religion(s), We Might As Well Make Fun Of Religion(s)

Here's a guide for Mormons...on how to "overcome masturbation".

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.

My favorites are numbers three (imagine telling a friend "Listen, dude, I know you saved me from that burning building, and introduced me to my wife, but we can't be friends anymore...I found out you jerk off to pictures of Scarlet Johanson"); four ("don't admire yourself in the mirror"? Buddy, if your own image gives you a hard-on, you have problems that even Mormonism can't fix); and six ("Horny? Get fat instead! That's much healthier!"). Anyway, that's not the half of it. There's more in the form of "additional suggestions". Go check them out. In the meantime, I'm going to, uh, go make a snack.

Via Slog.


Farooq said...

So, uh, how'd you come across this article?

Also, I'm guessing that was a SHORT and QUICK snack, eh? Get it?!! Guffaw, haw, haw!

Ahsan said...

So, uh, how'd you come across this article?
------> thus the "via slog" bit.

Also, I'm guessing that was a SHORT and QUICK snack, eh? Get it?!!
-----> no, i don't. what do you mean?

Anonymous said...

This is sick. I continue to move further and further away from ALL religions because they are all ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

The fear is that men will masturbate and not have intercourse with women THEREBY reducing the ultimate numbers of Mormons.

Power comes with numbers. That is why ALL religions frown or discourage masturbation. THEY WANT MORE KIDS who will join their religion and give MONEY and add to that religion's power.

naqiya said...


i dont know if i agree...people start masturbating wayyy before they are capable of producing children or are married. it seems more like a method to control rather than anything else. first control the body and then control the mind...

but what do i know..

Ahsan said...


have you ever met a man who's turned down sex because he masturbated earlier? "sorry, babe, but i'm done for the day....maybe some other time, yeah?" sounds pretty unlikely to me.

though i agree...that's what the basis of these types of dictums are usually - that masturbation is evil because it is sexual pleasure without the chance of procreation (this is why all religions hate condoms and birth control).

naqiya said...

since you blog keeps rejecting my posts i'll just write one again:

i was saying: i have to disagree with your last statement ahsan. sex for fun is completely okay in islam (of course, fun for the man, with the woman he is married to but anyway...) i was always told that, and also, there is a hadis that says abortion is okay up to the 3rd month of preggers (after which is it pretty dangerous for the mom anyway) and by extention, birth control is okay too

of course, what is said and what actually happens are two different things completely, but i think its important to acknowledge that difference

Ahsan said...


apologies for the rejection of comments. i have absolutely no idea why it's taking place (and moreover, why it seems to be taking place exclusively with you) and consequently i have little idea of what to do about it.

Anonymous said...

i think im gonna go and masturbate now!