Friday, August 15, 2008

Rent Boys for Defence Aunties, Revisited

As some of you may remember, on Sunday the 23rd of March earlier this year, I posted the following flyer.



That post, in all its filthy glory, set in motion a chain of events that to this day continues to shape the readership of Five Rupees. I will now proceed to explain why, running through the events chronologically.

The Investigation

The immediate object of curiosity for the majority of our readers was as to whom exactly was on the other end of that telephone number. Who were these individuals, that had so eagerly held themselves forward as “Poshida Sex Boyfriends” to Pakistan’s auntie elite? Moreover, how much did they charge? Did they have any clients? If so, in what city, and what types of people? Could breasts really be made more purkashish?

Five Rupees sought to answer these questions. Problematically, none of the authors wanted to use their own phone numbers to dial, because we’re all quite chicken. Female friends who were unawares of the dangers of calling strange men from their direct line were solicited, under the pretense that a girl had to call and that men were unwanted customers.

Five Rupees’ initial efforts met with no success. Fortunately however, our readers fully shared in our disturbing curiosity, and supported us with detailed analysis and advice. Suggested Anon 1027:

“one idea is to get a new prepaid SIM card and sms this person. if you can get someone else's NIC to obtain the connection that would be a bonus (considering everyone's drivers and the drivers' servant has a brokerage account at the KSE a SIM card should be a relatively straightforward process).

also, after a min of googling it seems 0344 is a telenor prefix and the first digit being a 4 means its from lahore. that kind of figures as lahore is rather well known for these "services" than Karachi (seems like the guy is looking to expand into new markets). if someone knows someone at telenor see what they can gather about the account. privacy laws be damned!!!"

Anon 1027’s advice was astute and duly heeded. We then sought to msg the Poshida Sex Boys from an online msging service and give them an email address for them to contact us on. An account was set up by Ahsan exclusively for this purpose, under the absurd name of amjadianawaz@gmail.com.

The number was texted, and the email address relayed, but there was no response. Needless to say, we were all very disappointed that our khwaar team efforts had failed.


A Troubling Sort of Message Board


The matter was largely forgotten until a few months later, when a different reader, Anon 339, reported the following:

“Well i called in the number and a woman picked up the fone kept saying hello hello and a voice of a younger girl from behind asking something... i just said hello once as i didnt want to talk keun k bhai i am a boy and this was apparently for girls or ladies... and i m not good at mocking a lady's voice... so yeah this number works... it work at 7.30 pm PST. I am in germany tho so no problem with tracing.... its a pity really i cudnt talk. and guys where is this number from? cuz i heard k u can tell where this number belongs to karachi ya lahore?”


Hope was rekindled. But sadly, Anon 339 was the last of the normal commenters.

Thereafter, one by one, strange people looking to mate with aunties began arriving on Five Rupees. The post itself proceeded to morph into a message board for horny auntie seekers, and maybe even the occasional frisky aunty. I quote the following examples from the comments to the original post:
Anonymous said...
hi all aunties plz contact me at 0343-2584892 or 0343-2476069 for sex masaj n secret relations
12:30 PM

Anonymous said...
Hello. All Aunties who have thrust for sex and like massage for long time can contact me . I have such a miracle in my hands you will feel the difference. I like
those aunties who are heavy by weight and looking beautiful from body.

0345-5518368
12:30 PM
Apparently, there was more 'thrust for long time' on the supply than the demand side, for this comment was immediately followed by some guy called “i need karachi aunties for hot n secret relations”. He gave us a website URL, and stated “try this psot for having sex fun n secret relations…” and stated that his reason for suggesting this course of action was “b/c i m new n want defence hot karachi women for sex secret relations”. Indeed.

“i need karachi aunties for hot n secret relations” was soon followed by his good friend “defnece aunties n girls needed for secret relations”, who said:
hi i m waiting at 0343-2584892 or 0343-2476069 or open the link blow
http://boysreadyforsexwithdefnceaunties.blogspot.com/

How to Google Fiverupees

All this is pretty disgusting. But it gets worse. Turns out that a significant portion of Five Rupees daily traffic are horny web searchers who wind up on our blog.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find a little link from Sitemeter which tells you the total number of hits Fiverupees has had since its inception in August 2006.

However the hit counter is not the only service that Sitemeter provides. It also tells us if anyone found our website via Google or other search engine, and what the search terms was that led the individual in question to our humble blog.

I have reproduced some of the search terms below, and divided them into several categories:

The Auntie Centric
pakistani sex provider aunties
FIND AUNTIES NUMBERS TELENOR
hot aunty of defnece karachi sex
indian aunties want secret relations with men
lahore aunties looking for guys
pakistani aunties with conatct numbers
aunty mobiles number karachi for sex

The Ambivalent:
lady boy sex masaj

The Politically Annoyed:
sherry rehman the bitch
(this one led to the post titled 'Amin Fahim gets Bitch Slapped')


The Typed-With-One-Hand-And-Consequently-Misspelled:
lahoe hot auntys pohen number

The Pathetically Plutonic and/or Sneakily Innocuous:
karachi women offer friendship with pakistan man
paki aunties looking for friends

The Business minded:
pakistani fucking woman on hirer


(Ironically, this post led to AKs' post titled "Never Hire a Woman in Pakistan (except as a PR Officer or Receptionist)")


The Completely Mental:
should i shoot someone who is raping my wife

(This psychotic search led to another of AKs posts titled "For the sake of Honour, Shoot My Wife". I hope to God the person who searched did not end up shooting anyone who was raping his wife, or his wife.).

The Desperate:
i need any boy who need secrat sex in Karachi

The Strangely Specific:
only pakistani karachi hot aunties and sex call girls mobile numbers
womens,girls,aunties, seeking boys in Pakistan
karachi sea view saturday fucking

In relation to the final one (karachi sea view saturday fucking), Farooq raised the valid question as to why the fascination with copulating in Seaview? Ahsan however asked ‘why Saturday?’

Mr Mercy

This story does not however end there. One fine day, an individual who will be known as Mr Mercy (for reasons that will become clear in a moment) googled his way to Five Rupees, and proceeded to completely misinterpret the post and flyer. Mr Mercy somehow concluded that we, the esteemed authors of Fiverupees, were the actual administrators of the Poshida Sex Boy Masaj Service. Mr Mercy then scoured the blog for an email address and instead found two; Ahsan’s personal email address and amjadianawaz@gmail.com, both of which had been unwiseley posted as comments to the original post by Ahsan.

Consequently, on the 10th of July, 2008 , all the contributors on this blog received the following email from Mr Mercy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Fiverupees Admin Good After-noon

Hi There,

it was nice reading something new about the body massage where i got ur id as well,

i got a plan to visit lahore very soon will u please let me know your services remember that i'm not a girl and if you think u can help me please write me down ur charges in detail..

Mercy,

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Presumably, by Mercy, he meant Merci. Notwithstanding the misspelling, I thought it was a classy touch. Regarding his email the following email conversation ensued:

Ahsan: Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

NB: my god. it worked. Why the hell did he email your gmail acc?

Ahsan: Becuase he thinks I'M the goddamn Lahori masseuse.

NB: hahah why? I wrote the post!

Ahsan: Dude, I don't know; all I know is I'm no whore. Can I also add that he cced Amjadia Nawaz? Check the original mail.

NB: Clearly the post must be revisited. Are we replying to Mr Mercy? Maybe we should charge him some exorbitant rates. See what he tries to negotiate down to.

Ahsan: Dude. He emailed my real address. I don't want to get dragged into this nonsense. W
e're no longer 17; we're in the real world, and we have reputations to defend. I think I'm just going to clarify things with him.

NB: serves you right for putting up your real address.

Ahsan: You raand. I hope you lose every level of Halo or Grand Theft Auto IV or whatever
the hell you preoccupy your juvenile self with these days.

The Conclusion..?

That Aunties are the Pakistani equivalent of MILFS. Though everyone except for me was apparently already aware of this.

21 comments:

PostMan said...

haha! hilarious!

I am dealing with my own search problem of "Islam and orgasm" on my blog!

NB said...

Hmmm. Islam and Orgasm... Now what is the motive behind that google query, i wonder.

I will also add that by posting those words, 5Rs will now also have a "search problem of "Islam and orgasm""

No matter, the more the merrier!

Asad said...

best. post. ever!

my personal fav;

'Ahsan: You raand. I hope you lose every level of Halo or Grand Theft Auto IV or whatever the hell you preoccupy your juvenile self with these days'.

classic.

Ahsan said...

By the way, Bubs' post on vegetable dildos will inspire a new round of hornball searches leading to us.

Asad said...

the inadvertent larry flynts of the pakistani blogosphere.

th1980 said...

Did you guys look up the IP address and find out where the messages on the blog and the email came from?

th1980 said...

Oh, and the guy who runs the auntie sex blog has two others, both entitled "mobile nombers of karachi girls"

See the "profile":
http://www.blogger.com/profile/11115128769129036009

Ni Dubhgain said...

Really funny post. (I'm actually running a similar service in Co. Cork) Even though I hate to have to say it, that is not typo.

Ahsan said...

th1980:

Tracing the IP from the email was a task too far for us techno-novices. As for the comments and the crazy searches, they are obviously too many to recount here, but most come from (predictably) Pakistan, India, and the Gulf states (mainly UAE). Sometimes though we get a surprise - I just checked that someone from New Zealand of all places logged on with the words "sex with aunties" reaching NB's new post.

PostMan said...

NB: "Hmmm. Islam and Orgasm... Now what is the motive behind that google query, i wonder."

Perhaps trying to find out whether there is a 'haram' or 'makrooh' category of orgasm :p

Anonymous said...

hi
i m ..
any aunties wana seee real love then contact on my number 03215287477 i will never disappoint u

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Anonymous said...

i am a sexy boy i love girls aunts women bohat achi hoti hein i love to fuck aunts or teen girls ooooooooooooo i love i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to fuck my number is 03227501211 multan

Anonymous said...

Hi i am also interested in those aunties. So aunties contact me .0300 9358171 my mobile number.
Take care

Locked said...

hi this is fahad from lahore.. i want aunties who can handle my all sex positions.. like all kamasutra positions.. contact me at 03137778767

Anonymous said...

Hi,

All Sexy Aunties

Have sex with me by contact on this No all will be in secretss..
0300-2493952

Anonymous said...

well he is very good in sexy i have tried him u may contact him 03334126568, reem

NA said...

Hi,

All Sexy Aunties

I an 22 year old from Lahore. Have sex with me by contact on this No all will be in secretss..0323-4103004

Annie said...

Ooh.Em.Jee!

Hilariousful. Seriously.

btw i got this flyer emailed to me too... and since i work at ..errmm... one of the Telecom companies, got the number traced as well ...

Junaid said...

Hilarious! Pure gold! :D

Junaid said...

The comments like "well he is very good in sexy i have tried him u may contact him 03334126568, reem", say a lot about sexual repression, and correspondingly how "perverted" our society is.