Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Jokes Write Themselves

I remember that John Buchanan -- former coach of Australia -- made internal memos and reports famous, none more so than his importing Sun Tzu's teachings on military strategy to try to win the Ashes (a wholly unnecessary venture if there ever was one). Well Buchanan has nothing on Gary Kirsten, the Indian cricket team coach, who apparently is advising his players to get laid as much as possible.

The benefits of sex feature prominently in a secret document circulated among players by coach Gary Kirsten and mental conditioning expert Paddy Upton, the Hindustan Times said in a front-page report.

It came as India take on arch-rivals Pakistan in their first Champions Trophy match in Centurion on Saturday.

The large-selling broadsheet, which claimed to have a copy of the document, said the relevant chapter was headlined ‘Does sex increase performance?’.

‘Yes it does, so go ahead and indulge,’ the document said, before detailing the benefits of a good sex life and even suggesting ‘going solo’ if no partners were available.

I do know one thing for sure: I really, really want to watch the Australia-India match next week, with the stump microphones on full volume. Can you imagine the sledging? How much fun do you think the Aussies are going to have with this?


Anonymous said...

Fuck the Ind-Aus match, imagine the kind of calls the players would already have started receiving... from their wifes/girlfriends and whoever else (just to be politically correct)

Much fun ahead :-)

FZ said...

why are you assuming they were referring to hetero carnal relations?

...why do you think there was also a suggestion for auto-relief if one didn't have a partner?...umm because 11 divided by 2 leaves an oddman out...hee hee

Annie said...

Hahaha... I'm just glad i'm not dating any cricketers.

karachi khatmal said...

i guess its no surprise then that yuvi decided to take a six week break to 'indulge' to the fullest. i am surprised by the go it solo suggestion, since i always heard that a "muthal" sucked at cricket... guess that's why i'm not coaching the indian cricket team

Ahsan said...

Hahaha yes, I did think the timing of the Yuvraj injury was very suspicious. But hey, I'm not complaining! He's their most dangerous player in ODIs (even more than Sehwag or Dhoni).

Anonymous said...

My comment is related to cricket diplomacy which is often talked about for bringing India and Pakistan together. Sadly, when it comes to cricket and when it is these two teams playing against each other, it does not work that way. Relations between the people of India and Pakistan seem to worsen and not improve, when the two countries are on the cricket field. Each game of cricket is treated as an opportunity to nb vcvbniygmjhnb on both sides to express their anger about the other, dredge out their bitterness about Partition, the Bangladesh war and, recent acts of terrorism.

Cricket matches between India and Pakistan can become normal when we see each other as friendly neighbours.

Pagal_Aadmi_for_debauchery said...

I agree with the last Anonymous commenter. Even internally in India, the game hardly promotes any harmony. In places like UP in India which are more prone to Hindu-Muslim sectarian violence, the games between India and Pakistan create a lot of tension (or used to anyway). I don't know if things have become better now, but they sometimes used to apply some dafa (criminal statutory code no.) which basically did not allow more than 3 people to gather on streets while the India-Pakistan game was on. I am old enough to remember that after Pakistan beat New Zealand in the semis in the WC in Australia, around late noon India time, people in my mohalla were stopping the Hindus on their bikes etc. and force feeding them mithai. The game of course has little to do with Pakistan but it becomes a proxy for the already underlying Hindu-Muslim tensions. I am old enough to remember the joyous celebration in my mohalla after the Javed Miandad chakka in 86 or was it 87?

Pagal_Aadmi_for_debauchery said...

I guess I am just old.

Gigi said...

@Pagal_ Admi_ for_Debauchery I wrote that previous comment.While writing an article on cricket diplomacy for Global India column of W.S.J, i realized that even among south asian diaspora, cricket turns into a bloody mental battle.For far too many Indians, each game of cricket is an opportunity to teach Pakistan which is the greater nation ( Unfortunately, there were too many loses).And for far too many Pakistanis, a cricket match can be a great leveller. It is an opportunity for the country to shake off its insecurity vis-a-vis its huge neighbour and prove who is better when it comes to 11 against 11.

Since you have mentioned North India , i remember when i was hardly 12 yrs old and we were visiting our relatives in Lucknow, India has won against Pakistan and i was bemused to see my uncles were celebrating the victory as if it was a festival or a wedding. Why do we hate each other? This question always remained in the back of my mind and i never got the answer.Instead of hoping to see other other side lose, can't we just for a second think that we both have once shared same fraternity.

Anyway, i learnt one important fact that it is Bollywood not cricket which can bring the two countries together.Atleast, both sides can laugh and dance together rather than hurling abuses on each other.

ps- you should call youself wise_admi not pagal_ admi.

dudelove said...

man, ahsan, with this you come across as one of those kids from closeted homes that go khee-khee when the teacher mentions the word sex. and take my word, aussies aren't messing with india for some time - indian tour to ozland was a nightmare for them - they ended up wondering if it was india in their backyard or they in india. BCCI can screw a lot of people's happiness.